It was 2018, I was 38, I had a good job with the civil service and I had two grown up children and had been with my partner for 22 years, he was the father of my children and we had been through a lot together. We were childhood sweethearts and I thought we would be together forever…we took cocaine together recreationally, it started being every 6 months then became an every month thing, then a weekly thing. My eldest child went travelling to Australia and my youngest was dancing and doing her own thing, I felt like I wasn’t a mum anymore…my partner and I began to argue and at times didn’t speak for long periods of time, I spiralled into cocaine taking it daily, before work and driving whilst under the influence, I knew I needed to stop but I just couldn’t. Every time I paid off my dealer another would be held up in front of me and offered on tic, I would take it every time and just didn’t have the willpower to stop, before I knew it I had been taking the drug for around 3 years almost daily and spending £800 a week. I managed to fund it myself for a while but before I knew it I was in debt to my dealer and stole from work to fund my habit.
I carried on stealing from work as I thought I’d just deal with it when I get caught, my priority was getting my drugs for the day/week and keeping everything ticking over as it should. Six months down the line I was called into a meeting at work and instantly knew they knew what I’d been doing, I was walked off site and was informed that a formal investigation would be going ahead. I left work not knowing what to do, I cried so much and couldn’t believe how stupid I’d been! I found myself at my dad’s graveside talking to him about what to do and crying more.
That weekend we (the family) were visiting my son in Leeds as he’d returned from travelling and was living with his girlfriend. I remember thinking I just want one more weekend with my family before they arrest me and I’m taken to jail…I spent the weekend with them and didn’t tell my partner of what chaos our lives were about to be thrown into. When we got home on the Sunday night I did tell my partner, he was angry, frustrated and worried that our young daughter wouldn’t have a mum as I’d be in prison…although they decided to tell her what I’d done which I thought was extremely unfair as she didn’t need to know at that time.
My partner arranged for me to be watched by his parents each day whilst he was at work as I think he felt I couldn’t be trusted (which was completely acceptable). I did everything I could to show them I was trying and started to attend Inspire service in Fleetwood to get some addiction help…after two weeks my partner and I were arguing again and he kicked me out of the family home, I had to go and stay with my mum and tell her of the chaos I had caused.
I felt utterly betrayed, my partner wouldn’t allow me to see my daughter on Mother’s Day and he also cancelled my car insurance whilst I was out in the car as in his words “it will be another charge for your charge sheet with the police”. I was totally alone apart from my mum and we didn’t get on so well at the time.
I knew I needed to keep attending the smart meetings I had been attending and gained many good friends that gave me so much good advice, my life had completely changed from what it had been previously, at times I didn’t want to carry on but I did for my children.
Six months down the line I was in court for stealing money from work and was packed for prison stood in Preston crown court dock. I had said goodbye to my children as I’d started to see them on a weekly basis but was still living with my mum. The judge said I had done well to stay off the drugs and I provided weekly drugs tests to prove I was clean, he gave me a suspended sentence for two years and 300 hours community service. I also had a proceeds of crime set against me to pay back the £11,200 I had stolen. My partner and I had spoken about repaying the money but he didn’t want to get a loan against our house and decided to buy me out of it. I remember saying to myself there’s no going back from this, I’m on my own and I need to deal with this alone, I did just that…I began looking for work, although this was so hard with a criminal record, I think I went to around 150 interviews with only the words of “well done for attending and getting sorted but you’re not the right candidate for us, keep trying” I did just that and was eventually employed as a health care assistant with the NHS, I felt privileged as I’d always wanted to be a nurse but having children round meant I just got a job to pay the bills and didn’t follow what I wanted to do. I worked hard and was always willing to learn, I was put forward to apply for a trainee nursing associate and wondered if I could do university and work at the same time? I attended the interview and passed with flying colours, although I did have to write a statement to university about my criminal record as there are always questions that needed answering.
I’m currently 18 months into my training and hope to qualify as a nursing associate in mental health in March 2023. I will then have the opportunity to carry on with university and become a registered nurse in 18 months if I wish to. I have bought my own house and met a new partner, I have also paid off the debt that was owed back to my previous workplace.
Being truthful three years ago I never thought I’d be where I am today but I’m clean from drugs, training to be in a profession I’ve always wanted to do and living my best life. I want others to know that it really is possible and even when you feel there is nowhere to turn or go to, if we keep striving on it usually comes from within.
Vicki N.