I grew up being told I was never good enough, never smart enough, and nobody would ever want me. To top it off I had a secret that I knew they would never except. I knew I was different, but growing up in the church I knew it was wrong and hid it for years, trying to change who I am. After two kids and a failed marriage, I finally came out and my biggest fear became a reality. after years of trying to change me didn’t work, most of my family wanted nothing to do with me. My friends told me that I had to choose between being myself or being their friend. I left alone, ashamed, and scared. I found comfort in drugs and alcohol. When I started dealing drugs, it gave me a high that I never felt before. All of a sudden, I had lots of friends that didn’t care that I was gay. Guys would throw themselves at me and in my mind, I associated sex with love. That was the first time I ever felt attractive, good enough, and wanted, but it was never enough. Men would come and go from my life after they got what they wanted from me and that began the downward spiral into a dark depression. I started using drugs and alcohol more and more for comfort. I used people like they used me. I would discard them before they discarded me until my darkest day came. I don’t remember much about how I got there. I just remember waking up one morning alone, naked, and scared, not knowing where I was. That place was the crazy ward of the county jail. From there I went into a 30-day court ordered rehab, where I discovered if I wanted to live, I needed to take sobriety seriously. My family came, thinking it was a chance to set me straight. After rehab they tried setting me up with some good Christian girls, but it never worked out. I met my partner at an AA meeting and we’ve been together now for fifteen years. Unfortunately, most of my family doesn’t except me and I still and I haven’t spoken to my parents or siblings for years now. I’m okay with that today. One thing I’ve learned in my 16 years of sobriety is that sometimes you have to let toxic people go to grow. Now I live my life for me, I still get in my head about the being discarded by my family and friends of the past, but today I have a new family and new friends that love and except me for who I am and for that I am grateful.
