Recovery or Discovery?
I could bore you with countless tales of misadventure whilst wandering around my life in a nonchalant manner, but I’m sure you’ve heard it all before. Today it’s about my journey from making that choice to change, acceptance and understanding and how I developed a sense of self which were guided by my deepest values.
From the first moment I walked into a meeting I knew that it was possible to stop using drugs and it was here that I learnt the basics of what was needed to do so. I spent the next few years attending meetings, various impatient detox’s and rehabilitation centres, but my stubborn unwillingness to accept and understand the situation I had found myself in, contributed to twenty-three of what I then believed to be ‘failures’ (lapse / relapse). I was beginning to believe that there was no way out and these moments of profound hopelessness and despair resulted in some very negative thinking. Looking back all we can do, no matter the situation, is make the best choice (rational or irrational) we see at the time and go with it. We won’t always get it right and we will make mistakes, but that’s ok. I think what I’m trying to say is never give up because the next attempt could be the one. As Thomas Edison once said; “if I find 10,000 ways something won’t work, I haven’t failed. I am not discouraged because every wrong attempt discarded is another step forward.
I’ve heard countless comments that drug addicts are weak, but maintaining my addiction was hard! I was strong willed and I had incredible problems solving skills; drop me in the middle of a lonely road, out in the sticks and I’d have found a means to get drugs quicker than you could find your car keys. I just needed to channel my abilities into something that wouldn’t kill me or drive me crazy.
I found myself back in rehab for a fourth time, but this time the old cliché of it’s going to be different this time never rung so true. I found it hard and every day I wanted to leave but something kept me there (I’m later led to believe this was my keyworker begging the manager to not kick me out), but nether-the-less I stayed and the sense of achievement I got from completing something was overwhelming. I spent the first few weeks slightly apprehensive most probably due to my past form of relapsing, but I quickly began to realise that I was at a point in my life and I had full control of and I was able to steer my life in pretty much any direction I chose. It was an amazing experience being drug free after wasting several years taking drugs, I was ready to embark on what felt like an experience of a lifetime.
I realised whilst in rehab that it wasn’t the action (the change) that I feared but it was the ambivalence surrounding the change. To question these feelings is a normal human trait but I did tend to analyse and internalise things way too much. I began to realise that nothing was holding me back and soon enough, small steps would become the equivalent of giant leaps towards the creative, the passionate, the driven and somewhat spiritual. Remember you are only confined by the walls you build yourself.
Discovery rather than recovery is a bold statement to make (Afterall who am I really) but it’s one that resonates positivity through and through. Don’t get me wrong life has thrown some difficult times my way but what I’ve found is that if you give yourself long enough to enjoy the benefits of being alcohol or drug free then it’s impossible to give it up. Always ask yourself tough questions, accept rational responsibility, follow your own advice and listen to your intuition (your gut instinct is never wrong) … what comes easy won’t last, what lasts won’t come easy.